I turned 28 years old yesterday. The crying started shortly after midnight. I've never cried on a birthday before, ever.
Suddenly in my head, my "top 5" reasons for being so overwhelmed popped up:
1) I'm old- Okay, I feel old, not technically old
2) I'm fat
3) I'm feeling ugly- keyword "feel"
4) I'm unsuccessful- As far as career stuff goes
5) I'm an emotional basket case
And I'm downright unhappy. I have tons. I want tons. I'm fairly certain this post will earn me points as a bi-polar personality. But I'm drowning here. Drowning in my own self-made misery.
And I think of all the things that are bothering me most on my top 5, it's number 2 causing this little tizzy. I hate fat rolls. HATE fat rolls. I hate cellulite. I hate not being able to breathe in my size 14 pants. Yep, size 14, 188 pounds of pure, unadulterated fat. It's out there now. ALL of it. I'm done. I feel sick when I eat sugared cereal. I feel guilty when I think of greasy, fried food. And yet, I can't stop. I've become an emotional eater. I used to be an emotional workout freak. WHERE has that dear friend gone?
You know what, I don't really care about losing myself to find myself. I don't want to fake like I'm happy. And no, I don't really care about the inner beauty inside because it's being masked by large volumes of fat, fat, fat. I'm simply fat. And it's affecting me more and more everyday. And yet, I do nothing to change? Where is my motivation? What in tarnation will get this fat, huge asteroid of a butt off me? I look in the mirror and the truth has never been so evident. I'm lardy. Lardy! Pictures are taboo. Because I don't want evidence of how huge I am forever documented in living proof. I keep telling myself, I'll change. I'll workout and things will get better. But I don't.
So, today, on my second official day of being 28, I'm taking a stand, albeit a fatty one. I'm getting this stupid 70 lbs off me once and for all and I'm taking prisoners if anyone tells me I'm crazy, or I look beautiful just the way I am. Say nothing if those are the thoughts that come to mind. I need friends who ask me what I've done today to feel better, to lose the weight, to let my inner beauty shine through by working on the outside. Yep, it's shallow. Deal with it.
Goal: Lose 70 lbs by Christmas 2011 (that works out to about 1.2 pounds per week, which is supposedly a healthy weight loss goal)
I'd post a picture of "before", but like I said, taboo.
4 comments:
I have to say I love your honesty! Its refreshing. It takes a lot of courage as a women to post such a personal thing. Good Luck on your goal!
Thanks, I almost deleted it 10 times, but then realized, it's my journal! And putting it out there confirms it's a necessary goal! I figure, even if I don't lose the weight, at least I'm working on my outside, to re-discover my inside.
It's simply what I need right now, so I'm going for it! Thank you so very very much for the support, I'll need it :).
We need to walk or exercise together! I'm on the same journey and I know, KNOW, how difficult it is. I'm grumpy because I'm fat and I hate the way I look, but then I'm soo grumpy because I can't eat the food I want. It's a lose, lose. So support is here if you need it!!!
Thanks Liz!
Yes, I'm doing a boot camp starting in January :). She'll be adding more spots as the weather warms up after February.....we can surely doing something together too! Call me sometime!
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